Ahura Mazda

Ahura Mazda
I was just too caught up trying to be happy, even if it was selfish and synthetic forms of it. Selfish because my physical body did not know how to handle this virus overload of happiness, and synthetic because although my computer was crashing, my monitor shined all the same. But now I can honestly say that my tear drop is the realest thing I have seen my body produce; there is no copy & paste for it and I am finally okay with that.
But things happened so suddenly, and when the continuous flow of memories of you and me were cut off and I found myself forcing to spit you out, I could no longer differentiate between tastes. Those were the scary moments. My senses left me with a parched mouth and bleached world. I was scared that the salt in my tears would only dry up my blank pallet, rather than nourish it. When I meet my former self through dreams or pictures it makes me realize how ugly a numbed mind can be; I found the beauty in crying and hopefully I can come close to doing it as gracefully as you did.
I can now see a writer, philosopher, and comedian, and I will willingly cry for brittle bones, empty pages, and silent rooms.
I currently cry for happiness, blonde hair and jazz hands.
I see music and movement and I will weep for her too. And I will sob with a sour lemon in my mouth for the joy of taste it brings me.
I smile because we smiled and I cry because we cried. I now know that I need both sides to pay respectable homage to you. My tears alone will not give your memory justice, but rather the smile I show when your name is mentioned. And now that I am able to embrace both sides I have the feeling that I found you again inside of me.
I live the dual life of Ying and Yang. Angra Mainyu and Spenta Mainyu collided together inside of my body and I have never felt so alive. I have entered an endless circle of where gray is the dominant color, but all are present if we wish to see them. I contently accept that I will forever spin on this axis knowing that my tears are wound around the happiest moments of my life.